Back on my blog after vacation…missed my readers and sharing.

It’s been weeks since my last post! In that time, we went and came back from vacation to San Diego and visiting family. I’ve been wanting to post but it’s hard to chisel out a time to sit and write. First weekend back, so we are finally getting back into the groove of our normal life.

Before our trip, our family was in knots. Going through with our vacation plans is always laden with challenges. So many things to consider and discerning if Ellis will be healthy enough to make the trip. We were a bundle of nerves.

This time was no different. Ellis got sick with sudden vomiting and tummy aches starting 2 days before the start of our vacation. Elliot looked sullen. He knew what this meant: postponing our trip. It broke my heart to see him pretend like he didn’t care, yet when she threw up in the car the day before our trip, he cried. Then, Ellis cried saying she didn’t want to be sick; she wanted to go to Legoland. My immediate response is childish, but it’s a reflection of how I feel about the uncertainties: throwing my hands up in the air, shaking my head, and just walking away.

However, we successfully made it to San Diego making stops every 2 hours on our drive. It was a super long drive but at least we made it to our destination. whew…We were all smiles, sighs of relief, and in good spirits.

Reservoir rest stop on the way down to SD

Chris and I were blown away that Ellis did not get sick once on our trip. A-ma-zing! It felt like a real vacation with going on roller coaster rides, getting our feet wet in the beach (Ellis’ first time), eating way too much ice cream, zoo outing, playing carnival games (sadly, I kept losing), checking out tide pools, visiting a lighthouse, etc.

I feel so thankful for God’s mercies and for His goodness. I appreciated this special time to do things that we haven’t been able to do in the past. We also got to squeeze in quality time with my parents and Chris’ family.

It’s hard to articulate in words, but I remember feeling that I will miss these moments afterwards. It was a blend of happiness, nostalgia, and sepia-tone memories. We may come back next time, but we will have grown and not be the same as we were then.

I inadvertently came across a book called Creative Evolution by Henri Bergson, a 20th century philosopher, at a bargain books bin. The dust cover has this old and worn-out look to it, and I knew instantly it was coming home with me. First published year was 1911, and second one 1944.

In the foreword written by Irvin Edman, his words about memory resonated with me in thinking how I felt in San Diego. I’m not completely sure what it means, but it rings a bell. Here it is:

“Memory in action is not a dead deposit; it is a living and functional focusing of energies. It is life at the acme of attention, creation and decision. Memory is life cumulated and brought to bear as alternatives of action, as impellingly realized possibilities of choice. Memory is the living reality, the past felt, those moments of heightened consciousness which we feel as suggested opportunities to make the future.” p. xiii

5 Christian songs to raise your spirit

Hi everyone, the following is my latest list of favorite songs. I hope you get a chance to check them out and be blessed by them.

The lyrics are powerful and can raise your spirit when you feel bored, tired, discouraged, or just blah. Happy listening and hope you find a favorite song too.

1. Reason by Unspoken (Elliot’s favorite)

2. Up Again by Dan Bremnes (both kids hear this song on repeat; inspirational song)

3. Burn the Ships by King and Country (my favorite…powerful words and amazing music video)

4. Happy Dance by Mercy Me (this song makes repeat appearances on our list)

5. Let It Rain by Crowder (this song will have you snapping fingers and dancing in the car)

Have a wonderful start to a new week and enjoy the last week of September!

Stay safe on Halloween and enjoy the fun and treats.

When depression surfaces

When depression begins to hover over me, I feel an immediate sense of dread. The other feelings associated with it are hard to articulate; they don’t make sense either.

It’s a vulnerable subject to talk about, much less write about it on my blog. But I started this blog to share stories about me and my life, and this dark stuff is part of that story. I tried writing an encouraging and happy blog post, but my heart wasn’t in it. Life goes up and down, and I’m down in the valley for the present. But I’ll climb out of it like I have in the past. These experience teach me that people are fragile, no matter the external, and a smile can hide many tears.

I tell myself that if I try a little bit harder and hold fast to that positive attitude, I can overcome it. Maybe if I keep busy I’ll forget too. Maybe I’m a bad Jesus follower and a poor witness of my faith. The more I push it down, the grumpier I get. One thing I detest about this is how it affects my family. My kids wonder why mommy cries for no reason and gets hyper-annoyed by things that were non issues in the past. Disowning it takes it toll on all of us.

When people I know share stories with me about their panic attacks and bouts of depression, I empathize. It’s tough enough dealing with those feelings without the extra stress of convincing someone that you are not feeling this way on purpose. I need to return that kindness towards myself.

Ready for battle…I’m feeling her attitude!

I’m grateful for God who knows and still loves me. He doesn’t get offended by this kind of stuff. Instead He draws closer and shows me, through various ways, that I am not forgotten. I have purpose. One thing I don’t want is for you to feel sorry for me. I’m just sharing what’s on my heart with you.

K, giving myself a big high five that I am not going to delete this post but will publish it. Eeeeek.

Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”

— C.S. Lewis