It’s almost mid afternoon and I’m mentally and physically zapped from the constant clashing with my kids this morning. Today it was about an online lesson they wanted to miss down to the bagel flavor Elliot thought I should’ve known was too cheesy for him. I explain and explain to the point where my own voice sounds to me like nails on a blackboard. It’s the same rehashing of why it’s important to learn (explaining), how much they are learning and how good it makes them feel (positive reinforcement), I’m angry from the constant complaining (expressing discontent) and sibling squabbles, to why it’s not possible to cook different meals for them each day (setting realistic expectations). Then the comments about why can’t I and how they can’t start…the inner rage builds quickly.
The constant talking adds to the mommy exhaustion. It’s great they want to interact with me that much but the chattering of 2 people, sometimes simultaneously, and trying to actively listen and respond (I zone out a lot) makes me want to hide and do nothing. The pressure to be a good mom is high. Inertia sets in setting up a vicious cycle.
I’ll probably regret posting this since I don’t like to write about raw emotions, but I couldn’t bring myself to write happy when I’m feeling out of sorts. I hope it’s due to exhaustion and not another bout of depression coming on that makes me constantly apologize for feeling sad and possibly making others worry about me.
Thank you for reading this much! I’ll be back to my normal self soon. I’ve got to put down my worries and burden trusting God to take care of it all. It’s counterintuitive that when I need God I distance myself from him. Must try again. There’s a saying that when you feel far from God, it’s not God who moved creating that distance. Must re-center my heart and remake the latter part of the day. The struggle is real.
This post was deeper than I wanted to go, but I hope it’ll encourage someone to know they are not alone in their struggles, sadness, or exhaustion.
Welcome to my blog! My name is Esther and I'm so happy you are here. My posts revolve around the beauty of nature, homeschooling adventures, Bible reading reflections, gardening feats, and life as a daydreamer and nature observer. Thank you for stopping by and hope you'll find some interesting posts to read!