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It’ll work out

I’m feeling bewildered, stress, and strangely calm after seeing an ophthalmologist this afternoon. My eyes have been feeling strained lately and been bothered by a black dot that sporadically floats around my right eye. I knew it was an issue but denial can make you believe everything is ok when it’s not. Made an appointment last week to see an ophthalmologist and thank God I was able to book an appointment quickly.

After many eye drops and bright lights taking pictures of my eyeballs, doctor discovered 3 holes in my right eye that healed itself. My left eye is precarious with a hole that could get worse, but it has high potential to improve with rest and no heavy lifting.

When the doctor told me about these holes, I cried. I felt bewildered which soon turned into self pity blaming myself for putting off my needs till it backfires. The mind has a way of pointing fingers to place blame but no one willfully placed that kind of excessive stress and physical exertion on me; life happens. But I wouldn’t trade being anywhere else since I played a role in helping my fragile heart kid thrive and grow.

"Life with God is not immunity from difficulties, but peace in difficulties." ~ C. S. Lewis

God’s presence has a way of turning things around. An unknown willpower came over me and I felt that I’ll overcome this too. Thank God the other 3 holes had mended on its own. I had no idea mending was occurring in my right eye. Today’s prognosis is a timely reminder for me to rethink rest and to diligently stick with taking care of myself. It’s not selfish. Over the years many have shared their wisdom of motherhood with me and it’s ringing clear as ever in my mind now. To be a good mom I need to be healthy to be there for my kids. (duh, right? How easily it’s easily forgotten in the midst of life0

New year is beginning with a blast and pushing me to challenge myself; rethink the value of rest and reexamine how I can better sustain my energy long term to keep doing what I’m doing without falling apart. It’s correctable and heaven forbit it gets worse, but if it does, treatment is available. Dear Lord, gotta keep what I have working and together…thought I’d never say that.

Our family has survived many hailstorms and this one we’ll weather too. I’ll roar my battle cry soon (metaphorically) enough; it’s still too fresh. In the meantime, here’s my rawr, small and determined.

"This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

Categories: Faith journey Personal growth

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Welcome to my blog! My name is Esther and I'm so happy you are here. I'm an avid nature photographer and a daydreaming thinker. My posts revolve around photos of nature's beauty, homeschooling adventures with my 2 kids, sporadic reflections on my child's heart condition, Bible reading reflections, gardening feats, and other mish mash things. Hopefully you'll leave encouraged, pensive, or smiling at the simple things of life. Thank you for stopping by and hope you'll find some interesting posts to read!

16 replies

    1. Thanks Diana! So happy to hear from you. Appreciate your prayers and kind thoughts. God will lead me through this valley too. I may sound optimistic but inside I’m a little scared too. lol. So is life.
      Hope you are well and having a good start to the new year. Take care friend and stay healthy. Jerry, meow no covid meow happy purr year! 2022 is your big brother’s, the black tiger, year.


  1. Esther, I know where you are coming from and understand your worries about your sight I do not have a strong faith – you must also trust your medical team. I am part way through some laser treatment to my eyes and live in fear of what I lose if treatment fails in the future. Thinking of you.


    1. Oh man, you have eye issues too. It’s an unsettling feeling and still don’t know what to make of it. I’m amazed how the three holes had mended on its own and the timeliness of discovering a new hole that needs watching. The existing one worries me, definitely stretching my faith and letting go of things I can’t control. It’s a relief I didn’t know because I had too much going on with Ellis and that would’ve overwhelmed me more.
      Thanks for sharing your story and for your kind thoughts. I hope your current treatments succeed and medical team keeps you abreast of new technologies and treatment plan! It’s good to know that I’m not alone in the journey. Let’s keep up the fight.
      Have a good weekend.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Same thoughts here. Developing more empathy for those with similar issues. Over a decade ago, my dad had several surgeries for retina detachment, like I mentioned in my comment to Linda, but the success of those procedures give me hope. That was a long time ago so medical developments must’ve made more advances in those years. But it’s still scary. Thinking of you…


  2. I sometimes don’t know whether to “like” a post that is worrisome like this one, but, like so many of your other posts about you, the kids and life in general, you put so much effort in conveying your straight-from-the-heart feelings … so Esther, I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts that you can turn this diagnosis around and keep the faith please.


    1. Linda, I feel the same way too. It’s strange to press like when the post is not a happy one. Maybe WP could integrate different emojis’ button.
      Yes, I’ll hold onto faith and stay vigilant to keep the hole from getting worse. I didn’t expect to hear this when I went to see the ophthalmologist though, maybe dry eyes.
      I wasn’t always open with my feelings and not encouraged in my Asian upbringing, that is until I learned from my nyc roommate that authentic feelings connect and empathize with others. It took me 6 years away from home and family to start the process of finding “me.” (is that even a thing?!)
      It means a great deal to me and I so appreciate your support and encouraging thoughts!!


      1. There is a fellow blogger who has fought a good fight with lung cancer. He started posting about 18 months ago, almost daily about what chemo and radiation were doing to him. He had details about what he could and couldn’t do or eat when he began chemo – he was astounded by the restrictions and I actually found it interesting and told him that. There were times when he would talk about life in the service (career military man), his wife/family and for that I’d give a “like” but now he is in hospice and describes this extreme pain in short paragraph-long posts. His last post said he was sobbing in his sleep and his wife told him this … people “liked” that. Why on earth would you do that? I’ve not commented any more because there is nothing to encourage him now. He exhausted all his avenues and went thru a lot of excruciating treatment … I would rather not say anything.

        I’m glad you sought treatment. One blogger here is getting injections in her eyeball to thwart macular degeneration, so whatever avenues are open to heal your eyes, please do it Esther.

        You are welcome … I know you have a lot on your mind and on your plate.


      2. Oh my, what a heartbreaking story about the lung cancer blogger. I agree it is strange to “like” a sad post, but I think people know what that “like” means; a sort of acknowledgement and empathy. Writing must’ve helped him process his journey and to have a community of people rooting for him. If I’m having a hard time, I hope you write me no matter what!
        My dad had surgeries for retina detachment right before I got married. It’s a scary diagnosis, luckily the surgeries were successful. He had laser surgery too. Deep down I wondered if I would have an issue like him and needed to keep watch. Treatment is good but injections in the eye seems harsh and truly uncomfortable. Oh well…better than not doing anything. I hope your blogger friend’s eyesight improves.
        Starting off the year with thunder and lightning!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I’ll support you Esther and continue to be conflicted about the “like” button. I wonder if we asked for another button if we’d get one. The did it for Facebook with the various emoticons, It is sad for this blogger – he fought a good fight, then went to a second opinion in December and was told the cancer had spread. This blogger had a stroke and began his blog to get his motor skills back, as to typing, etc.

        I hope your eye diagnosis and resulting meds will take care of the problem for you and no laser surgery will be necessary. My mom had laser surgery for glaucoma and the eye surgeon showed us how he would shoot the laser through the eye of President Lincoln while sitting across the room – and he did it. Amazing! The fellow blogger is still going for shot, plus she had cataract surgery this year on top of it.
        We have “thundersnow” sometimes – bizarre!


      4. Laser surgery can accomplish so many medical feats. Amazing advances!! Your blogger friend is very brave to get those shots periodically, maybe initial fear was worse than anticipated. I hope my issue will resolve on its own. But…but…but….tears in the eyeball?! geesh
        So sad to hear about the cancer blogger friend. I’m meeting other bloggers writing about their cancer journey and they keep their positive spirits despite the ill treatment effects. It must’ve been conflicting to comment on his posts…what do you say that could help? Life is hard and beautiful.
        When the post is not about the joys of life and you press “like”, I’ll know what you mean! Thanks Linda. Never met you but feels like we’ve been friends for long.


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