About singlikewildflowers

Writing and daydreaming have always been two of my favorite things to do. I've been an avid journal writer since junior high school. It was a way for me to survive the complex world of being a Korean-American female straddling two cultures. Journal writing continued through graduate school, but that luxury is now replaced with multitasking to raise and homeschool two young kids. As the self-proclaimed domestic C.E.O. of our home, personal reflection occurs mostly in my subconscious dreams, during solo grocery shopping runs, or when my husband Chris takes the kids to Costco for an afternoon trip.

The depression funk

Feeling depressed is not a new thing for me since I’ve been dealing with it for many years. But when the intense feelings of sadness and hopelessness surge, it’s more than I can handle on my own. For years friends and Ellis’ doctors have urged me to seek psychological help. Parents of chronically ill children develop psychological symptoms similar to combat soldiers in war, like PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Every time we come home from one of Ellis’ appointments or any health-related scares, I’m emotionally spent and pretty much useless for the rest of the day. I run on adrenaline and stress; don’t have time to tend to myself. Once it’s over, I’m a basket case. Those fear emotions don’t stop there. The vigilance continues, as well as the pressure to provide a good growing up experience for both kids.

Rather than giving myself grace that this is a difficult experience, I tend to berate myself for being weak and unproductive. It’s a vicious cycle.

But you get used to certain things, even negative ones. I am so familiar with the depression pain hanging over me that I just accept it as a part of my life. Frequent nightmares are scary but you get used to that too.

This time I am slowly reaching out for extra help. I realize it involves work and perseverance; instead of just calling off the day as “done” or “bad,” I push myself to go outside with the kids. I finally talked with a psychiatrist. *gulp* *gulp* I just said it. Why does it have to be so hard? Why do I give the stigma more power by trying to hide it?!

I know that dealing with these mental health issues does not make me a bad Christian, yet so much shame is associated with it. This is old-school thinking I grew up with. I should be able to pray it out or have more faith. Yep, all that old, unhelpful stuff. It’s hard to talk about it because it takes too much time and words.

Just as much as the body hurts, so does the mind. I don’t doubt God loves me and helps me in my tough times. He’s done it plenty of times before and is still working. It takes time to heal and God is doing something new in me. What that new thing is is ambiguous.

eeek, this has become a vulnerable post. I’m working things out in the midst of life’s stresses and this unprecedented pandemic. I was conflicted about publishing a post so personal, but if I omitted this issue, this blog would not represent my life trekk.

This is a messy and painful journey, but I’m glad to be able to share it with you!

FOTD: Dandelion growth stages. May 21, 2020

On a recent nature walk with my kids, I noticed a few dandelions in different growth states! This was the first time I mentally put together its life cycle. It’s probably my skepticism that a flower could drastically transform from one state to a totally different one.

Funny…how I didn’t differentiate the yellow dandelion flower to a seeding dandelion. Like Homer Simpson slapping his forehead, “D’oh!” All this extra time from sheltering in place makes you question random things.

I’m especially happy with this discovery because it’ll be our next science study. It involves the outdoors and learning about something they see frequently. Also, I don’t have to wonder about which topic to cover next. 

It’ll probably include another nature walk searching for different stages of dandelions, researching its usefulness for health and food, illustrating, watching YouTube videos, etc. Cool! One less stress for homeschooling.

If you’re out talking a walk, take a closer look at them.

Thanks Cee for hosting the flower challenge! Through this, I’m learning details about different kinds of flowers and meeting new blogging friends. Win win!