So hard to be a mom

This is just some random thoughts about motherhood as I’m laying in bed unable to fall asleep.

It’s tough to be a fun, likeable, and patient mom a lot of times. To be like that most of the time is almost impossible.

I have unreasonable expectations of myself that I need to be this way and that as a mom. How do others make it seem so effortless?! Is it so?!

I’m feeling particularly vulnerable tonight with a cough that hurts my chest and feeling exhausted from arguing/ disagreeing with my 8-year-old son about daily life issies: fighting with his sister, who does what first, why does mommy do this or that, it’s not fair, I wish you’d, etc. All my insecurities surface and I blame myself for the these conflicts.

I know tomorrow will be a better day as I recover from this cold and begin fresh. A solution to this may be shifting my mindset that it’s inevitable that I’ll let my kids down. This is just a part of life, being human, and growing from mistakes. Whew…it’s hard stuff: growing pains for both kids and parents.

I try to remember that they are only young once and I try to enjoy this time. But when you’re in the thick of it with kids testing your limits and finding theirown personalities, you just want to be left alone to eat a whole bag of chocolate/ chips/ tub of ice cream in the comfort of a dark closet in the most stretchy pants ever.

Thanks for reading this far! I tried to write a bright and happy post because Christmas is a day away, and I didn’t want to be a party pooper. But I couldn’t. My heart is not there.

I’ll get in the spirit soon as I recover and have a long reconciling talk with my son tomorrow. Now I need to get some rest. Feeling better after I’ve shared. Thanks for reading!

Have a great Christmas eve and stay well during the holiday hustle and bustle!

My carvings temporarily on hold for now


Carving an identity for myself as a stay- at- home homeschooling mom has been filled with both joy and pain,  although the latter comprises more of my experiences. When little beings entered my life,  life as I know it suddenly eliminated me as Esther. I became known as mommy or so and so’s mommy to others. This new position threw me serious physical challenges: extreme sleep deprivation, constipation from not getting enough bathroom time,  and hands turning to sandpaper from washing too many bottles,  dishes, and mess- loving kids. 

Carving anything now has to do with model clay or pumpkins. However, one deliberate attempt I make to carve my own space is through blogging. They refer to it as “mommy’s work,” so I at least get 20 minutes of no little fingers poking me for attention.  

These experiences help me realize that while I was growing up my parents must have sacrificed a lot of their time,  resources,  and energy for me.  They tried to provide me creative spaces conducive for carving my interests and identity,  whether my attempts amounted to anything or not. I didn’t see it that way then and assumed they weren’t doing enough.  But finding myself in their shoes is teaching me otherwise. 

For the time being I think my job is to provide a space of exploration and discovery so my little people can begin to carve their own lives. I must stay focused on the goal and to remember to carve together…I still have lots of carving left to do myself.