What a day. I was doing well physically throughout the winter break, and then this afternoon, I had one of those severe abdominal pains bouts, vomiting, and a panic attack. I’ve been holding in a lot of stuff the past couple of weeks as Ellis has been feeling down and tearful. She goes through bouts like this and usually a good pep talk with lots of hugs, reassurance, and reminders of all the obstacles she’s overcome so far will assuage her.
Most of her tearfulness comes as a result of the horrible side effect of one of her cyclic vomit medications and it raises her emotionality, which brings her mood down and causes lots of unexplainable crying. We all dread it, but it’s the only medication used in conjunction with the recue med that aborts the cyclic vomiting episode. However, the long tearfulness episodes over winter break wasn’t precipitated by that medication.
I suppose her frequent hospitalizations in a short amount of time and the fear that it might happen again caught up to her emotionally. Many times she’s expressed worry that she feels behind in her lessons as she missed out on many of her writing classes and assignments. And helping her to cope and manage through it has caught up with me too, as shown in today’s physical meltdown.
My mind goes into hyper vigilance and full stop panic mode when she shows any signs of lethargy, less enthusiasm, yawning, or a smile that I know too well that masks her discomfort. Imagine going through your day nonchalantly and thinking that all is well and then you’re quietly informed, “I don’t feel so good” or responds indifferently, “I’m doing okay…meh” to the question, “Whats the matter? Do you feel sick?”
Last Saturday was one of those evenings. We went to Petsmart to pick up Dart’s food and she was beginning to look pale at which she proceeded to tell mer her head was hurting. To distract her from the symptoms.while we were out, I told her and Elliot to go look at the available hamsters while I paid for the crickets and mealworms. Well, I paid for the food and as I went to get the kids and walked by the register again, I got in line to pay for the already purchased food again and was frantically considering buying a hamster that night to make Ellis feel better.
My mind just goes haywire in trying to assess Ellis’ condition all the while trying to seem normal and not go straight into panic mode. The cashier looked at me funny and said I just paid for those things. Elliot picks up on the cue that something isn’t right and he goes into the super cheerful and helpful mode to Ellis. I think he just does it subconsciously but sometimes he’ll look at me with with raised eyebrows and wide eyes asking me if everything is okay with her. We all picked up coping skills along the way.
Tomorrow is a new day. First time meeting with a new psychologist for Ellis since her old and beloved therapist left for another job in autumn of 2025. Medical trauma is a constant thing we tackle and it affects the whole family.
25 responses to “Mental overload for me”
Can understand how difficult, scary and weighty being constantly vigilant is, putting up a brave, cheerful front when you are fearful inside. Do you get psychological support to help you? It makes a big difference when you can talk through what happens to you and are given some coping mechanisms to manage your thinking, calm you down… I am thinking of you, Esther. 🥰
Thank you for your encouraging comment! Your comment makes me feel so seen and heard. The cheerful front gives me a large dose of stress because my eyes sometimes give it away. She searches me too and looks at me for comfort so I have to reaally give that confidence.
I used to get therapy for a while but it’s not easy for me to do when homeschooling and there’s so much of Ellis’ appointments and things going on. Blogging becomes a form of therapy for me to share and to process my emotions. I also read the Bible, pray, and am part of a Bible study group with Chris (same group for 12 years).
Thanks again for your sweet thoughts! Hope you and Wade are having a great weekend!!
Praying for you. Writing down your thoughts must have helped in some ways. take care and all the best.
Dealing with something like a broken leg is one thing. It breaks, it’s treated, it heals. An open-ended situation like yours is quite different. I’d say you’re doing very well with it. It’s terribly stressful, but the old ‘one day at a time’ advice probably applies. All the best!
Thank you, Linda!! You articulated it so eloquently. A chronic illness in the family keeps us on our toes and we are always on alert to react if she looks unwell. I have my tricks like offering her cold juice if she gets a headache and having her sit by the window with no sounds or trying to distract her so her anxiety doesn’t exacerbate the triggers. So far, we’ve been blessed that her heart has been functioning well despite her condition. This cyclic vomiting just crushes us.
I like your advice: “one day at at time!”
Hope you are having a great weekend!!
Esther, what a trying and worrying time for you all. It sounds overwhelming. It can’t be easy to change therapist either so I hope the appointment goes well and that life soon becomes a bit more stable for Ellis and you all. hugs
Thank you, Annika! Great hearing from you. I’m so glad you are back to blogging.
It’s been pretty crazy trying to keep up with the emotions and me trying to be the cheerful person motivating and encouraging her. But thankful for God’s grace to keep me going when I feel like I have nothing left to give.
The appointment went well and we’ll be meeting with the therapist more consistently. We all feel the effects of low and anxious emotions after recent hospitalizations. It just freaks us out!
I’m so sorry, Esther! My heart goes out to you.
Thank you, Liz!! It builds up in me and the stress manifests psychosomatically. It was a rough couple of weeks, but she’s doing better now, which is a big relief for us. I hope and pray we continue on this positive trajectory as we are second week into homeschooling now.
Hope you are having a great weekend!!
You’re welcome, Esther! I’m glad you’re feeling better. I had the same reaction to built-up stress when I was working (migraines and IBS).
Stress can cause so much pain!!
Esther, I hope your appointment with the new therapist went well today and Ellis is feeling better as a result of it. She and Teddy look so content and relaxed here.
Thank you, Linda!! It did go well although we missed the other therapist. I was surprised that Ellis answered some questions by herself instead of looking at me. That’s a big step for her. I think this will be beneficial long ter. I wonder if she was so tearful in gearing up for this session, because it’s not something she likes doing and creates a lot of anxiety for her.
Teddy is tame now, so he is very comfortable being held. And if he squirms away, we have better handling techniques so no one, including rabbit, gets hurt.
Hope you are having a great weekend!!
That’s good that it went well, but that makes sense that Ellis had worries about interacting with the new therapist and that got her tearful and anxious. Teddy is a real trooper now, no more angst about being held or bolting from you. Yesterday was good and I got out for a longer walk at the Park, but today was very cold, in the “teens” and 35 mph winds most of the day, so I’ll try again tomorrow to walk.
Sending prayers 🙏 and hugs! 🩷 Hope you can get some time to rest and recharge. He’s got you all in His hands. 🙌
Thank you, friend!! I feel like I need to keep ding stuff to feel productive, but these mental overload situations are teaching me to slow down and enjoy the process. It’s a good reminder for so early in the year.
Hope you and your family are having a great start to the new year!
You are such a strong lady. Sending hugs and prayers. It’s a new and better year.
Sending love and understanding your way – be sure to look after yourself – here’s hoping 2026 brings some relief my dear friend 💜
Thank you!! We just started the year and this blip occurs. But we’re confident that it won’t stop us from making strides and healing.
Hope you are doing well this January!
I am thank you – here’s to a good year! 🙂
Same to you! Let’s make it a great year.
👏💜👏
Reaching out to you in prayer and hugs. Thank you for you open and honest sharing – it cannot be easy for you to articulate what you are feeling and going through. I reminded yet again how moms receive special graces – else how can you endure it all.
Take care of you Esther. May He lift you up with His strength, surround you with His loving arms, send you angels to lift your spirit.
Thank you, Ju Lyn for your prayers and hugs! We are doing a lot better now.
Even though I was feeling defeated and stressed, there were moments within that time where God reminded me that we were upheld by God’s love and mercy.
I agree with what you said…without God, how could we as moms endure it all?!
Hope your January is going well and everyone is happy and healthy!!
I can’t even imagine all the weight you carry on your shoulders, Esther. Wishing I was there to give you a huge motherly hug. Know that I am praying for you as are so many others. You are doing a wonderful job as a mother and you are loved.