Posted in Faith journey, Personal growth

When depression surfaces

When depression begins to hover over me, I feel an immediate sense of dread. The other feelings associated with it are hard to articulate; they don’t make sense either.

It’s a vulnerable subject to talk about, much less write about it on my blog. But I started this blog to share stories about me and my life, and this dark stuff is part of that story. I tried writing an encouraging and happy blog post, but my heart wasn’t in it. Life goes up and down, and I’m down in the valley for the present. But I’ll climb out of it like I have in the past. These experience teach me that people are fragile, no matter the external, and a smile can hide many tears.

I tell myself that if I try a little bit harder and hold fast to that positive attitude, I can overcome it. Maybe if I keep busy I’ll forget too. Maybe I’m a bad Jesus follower and a poor witness of my faith. The more I push it down, the grumpier I get. One thing I detest about this is how it affects my family. My kids wonder why mommy cries for no reason and gets hyper-annoyed by things that were non issues in the past. Disowning it takes it toll on all of us.

When people I know share stories with me about their panic attacks and bouts of depression, I empathize. It’s tough enough dealing with those feelings without the extra stress of convincing someone that you are not feeling this way on purpose. I need to return that kindness towards myself.

Ready for battle…I’m feeling her attitude!

I’m grateful for God who knows and still loves me. He doesn’t get offended by this kind of stuff. Instead He draws closer and shows me, through various ways, that I am not forgotten. I have purpose. One thing I don’t want is for you to feel sorry for me. I’m just sharing what’s on my heart with you.

K, giving myself a big high five that I am not going to delete this post but will publish it. Eeeeek.

Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”

— C.S. Lewis

Author:

Writing and daydreaming have always been two of my favorite things to do. I've been an avid journal writer since junior high school. It was a way for me to survive the complex world of being a Korean-American female straddling two cultures. Journal writing continued through graduate school, but that luxury is now replaced with multitasking to raise and homeschool two young kids. As the self-proclaimed domestic C.E.O. of our home, personal reflection occurs mostly in my subconscious dreams, during solo grocery shopping runs, or when my husband Chris takes the kids to Costco for an afternoon trip.

5 thoughts on “When depression surfaces

  1. Learn to give yourself a break and don’t feel bad for crying without reasons or snapping of things others think are not a big deal. Release all the negativity and continue to remind yourself that this too shall pass. I could not do it alone and I needed medication for a time period. My family understood and supported me during my period of just wanting to sleep all day long and not get out of bed. You believe in God so remind yourself that you are not alone. Redirect those thoughts the moment you start getting them. For example, think of 10 things you can see, smell 5 different smells around you, touch 5 different textures, listen to music that helps you relax and release the negativity. Take care and feel the love around you.

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    1. Thank you for your warm comment!! I know that I have to take care of myself first, but the old thinking of caring for others first is hard to break.
      I tried doing it alone pretending that I was okay. But it backfired and kept showing up in random places. I am a strong advocate for taking medication and think that it’s good to hear that you sought help and support. It surprises me how many people I know suffer or have suffered from depression.
      I really appreciate your suggestions and will try them. I hope you are having a healthy autumn and Ellis talked about you a while back saying your smile and expression made her happy. You have a bright spirit!!

      Like

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