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Re-centering self this Monday

It’s almost mid afternoon and I’m mentally and physically zapped from the constant clashing with my kids this morning. Today it was about an online lesson they wanted to miss down to the bagel flavor Elliot thought I should’ve known was too cheesy for him. I explain and explain to the point where my own voice sounds to me like nails on a blackboard. It’s the same rehashing of why it’s important to learn (explaining), how much they are learning and how good it makes them feel (positive reinforcement), I’m angry from the constant complaining (expressing discontent) and sibling squabbles, to why it’s not possible to cook different meals for them each day (setting realistic expectations). Then the comments about why can’t I and how they can’t start…the inner rage builds quickly.

The constant talking adds to the mommy exhaustion. It’s great they want to interact with me that much but the chattering of 2 people, sometimes simultaneously, and trying to actively listen and respond (I zone out a lot) makes me want to hide and do nothing. The pressure to be a good mom is high. Inertia sets in setting up a vicious cycle.

I’ll probably regret posting this since I don’t like to write about raw emotions, but I couldn’t bring myself to write happy when I’m feeling out of sorts. I hope it’s due to exhaustion and not another bout of depression coming on that makes me constantly apologize for feeling sad and possibly making others worry about me.

Thank you for reading this much! I’ll be back to my normal self soon. I’ve got to put down my worries and burden trusting God to take care of it all. It’s counterintuitive that when I need God I distance myself from him. Must try again. There’s a saying that when you feel far from God, it’s not God who moved creating that distance. Must re-center my heart and remake the latter part of the day. The struggle is real.

This post was deeper than I wanted to go, but I hope it’ll encourage someone to know they are not alone in their struggles, sadness, or exhaustion.

Categories: Mom lIfe Raising kids

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Welcome to my blog! My name is Esther and I'm so happy you are here. I'm an avid nature photographer and a daydreaming thinker. My posts revolve around photos of nature's beauty, homeschooling adventures with my 2 kids, sporadic reflections on my child's heart condition, Bible reading reflections, gardening feats, and other mish mash things. Hopefully you'll leave encouraged, pensive, or smiling at the simple things of life. Thank you for stopping by and hope you'll find some interesting posts to read!

7 replies

  1. I think parenting (and homeschooling) are so hard and I can relate 100% to this post. Thanks for sharing honestly! Sending east coast love your way!!!


    1. Thank you Kate for sending your love and kind encouragement!! We made it through school together and thought that was challenging…although you did so much better under pressure and got stellar grades. But parenting and homeschooling are new grounds involving people we love and want to raise as well rounded people.
      Love ya and glad we can commiserate in this season of our lives. You go girl!! πŸ˜πŸ€©πŸ€©πŸ˜ƒπŸ€―πŸ€―


  2. Thank you for writing this, it must’ve been difficult. Know that you are not alone in struggling with being closer to God, being exhausted from re-explaining why the child needs to do the thing for the millionth time, and feeling of sadness, not measuring up, etc. Sending prayers for peace & hugs to you sweet friend! Homeschooling is hard – you got this! May you find comfort in the promise that if we bring our metaphorical loaves and fishes, God will make it be enough to feed thousands!


    1. Thank you buddy for your sweet words of encouragement!! Love the metaphor you used about the leaves and dishes. God can and will do amazing things when we give our troubles to Him but here I am trying to feed myself.
      Homeschooling is hard!! Hope the new school year goes smoothly for you and your kids. Part of my grumpiness stems from fear of doing it all over again. You hang in there too and go with the flow in what we do as homeschooling moms. πŸ˜πŸ€©πŸ€©πŸ€—

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Never apologize for feeling these momentary lapses in feeling exhausted, inadequate, sad or just out of sorts. You have a lot on your plate Esther and kids have boundless energy, questions and yes, gripes. Take a deep breath and watch the fish in their quiet and idyllic home. There … you feel better already (unless of course one of them lost a fin …. or a tail.)


    1. Thank you Linda for your kind words, encouragement, and humor!! The fish tank is not as idyllic as expected. Another catfish perished from fin injury and 2 tiny panda catfish died the same day. Trying to figure out how to care for these fish in 20 gallons: incessant algae growth and constant fish death. I appreciate you saying what u did. I apologize too much for feeling out of sorts because it may burden others. Need to let go of the unrealistic expectations I have of myself and get it into my brain that our situation is different. Learning here… slowly. πŸ˜πŸ˜ƒπŸ€©

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You have a lot on your plate Evelyn, always remember that and existing right now, in this pandemic that we had such hope for ending it and it is going the wrong way, just exacerbates every small thing in our every day. It reaches a crescendo sometimes. The weather here has been so worrisome the last 10 days … two severe forecasts (tornado, etc.) and stuff at work, that I threw all good intentions of getting things done in the house and had two days to myself (except for some yardwork) … I just needed the break for it all and it is just me here. I once loved the garden and now look at it as a burden, especially when I did not get out and deal with weeds due to rain, heat and humidity. It looks better now thankfully.


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