So hard to be a mom

This is just some random thoughts about motherhood as I’m laying in bed unable to fall asleep.

It’s tough to be a fun, likeable, and patient mom a lot of times. To be like that most of the time is almost impossible.

I have unreasonable expectations of myself that I need to be this way and that as a mom. How do others make it seem so effortless?! Is it so?!

I’m feeling particularly vulnerable tonight with a cough that hurts my chest and feeling exhausted from arguing/ disagreeing with my 8-year-old son about daily life issies: fighting with his sister, who does what first, why does mommy do this or that, it’s not fair, I wish you’d, etc. All my insecurities surface and I blame myself for the these conflicts.

I know tomorrow will be a better day as I recover from this cold and begin fresh. A solution to this may be shifting my mindset that it’s inevitable that I’ll let my kids down. This is just a part of life, being human, and growing from mistakes. Whew…it’s hard stuff: growing pains for both kids and parents.

I try to remember that they are only young once and I try to enjoy this time. But when you’re in the thick of it with kids testing your limits and finding theirown personalities, you just want to be left alone to eat a whole bag of chocolate/ chips/ tub of ice cream in the comfort of a dark closet in the most stretchy pants ever.

Thanks for reading this far! I tried to write a bright and happy post because Christmas is a day away, and I didn’t want to be a party pooper. But I couldn’t. My heart is not there.

I’ll get in the spirit soon as I recover and have a long reconciling talk with my son tomorrow. Now I need to get some rest. Feeling better after I’ve shared. Thanks for reading!

Have a great Christmas eve and stay well during the holiday hustle and bustle!

E.E. Cummings’ poem for the young at heart

I came upon this nostalgic poem that is great for the changing season and shorter days. This poem reminds me of my kid’s curious eyes and wide smile when they gaze upon nature’s marvels, like finding a hermit crab perched on a rock, discovering a strange-shaped leaf, or seeing squirrels dart across the yard. It seems bland after so many seasons, but to children, it’s interesting, novel, and amusing. I hope to help them preserve that outlook and hold onto mine, whatever is left of it, as long as I can.

Days of Innocence

who are you,little i

(five or six years old)

peering from some high

window; at the gold

of november sunset

(and feeling: that if day

has to become night

this is a beautiful way)

– E. E. Cummings

A new school year already?!

School has already started for many or will start in a matter of days. I can imagine the spectrum of feelings a lot of us are experiencing: first-day jitters, anxiety, excitement, fear, relief, dread, freedom, anticipation, happiness, hope, among others.

I have mixed emotions. Since I’m my kid’s teacher, I feel an enormous amount of pressure. I do love my role and see it as a privilege to homeschool, but it’s daunting at times.

When I feel overwhelmed though, I try to focus on my long-term goals: education involves learning how to tackle new challenges (it’s not all fun and games); comparisons accomplishes nothing positive; celebrate individual successes; choose quality over quantity; and lastly aim to cultivate a discerning and reflective mind.

Being a homeschooling mom teaches me to trust that my kids’ minds are actively processing even when results are not tangible right away. And it makes me wonder the blind faith my parents had in me.

Growing up I was a late bloomer and things clicked way past the time it should’ve occurred. Compound that with the effects of brain trauma from a car accident: I was a hot mess. I fumbled through classes and feigned tummy aches. Despite them all, my parents cheered me on, paid for endless tutoring, and believed (or faked it well) that I would succeed. I wonder how they must’ve felt waiting for me even when I wasn’t showing much progress.

It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop. – Confucius

This year I pray that I will become a better teacher, co-learner and investigator, and guide. I want to have more motivation, patience, and a spontaneous mindset to explore new things. Eeek…I enter it with trepidation. But I know God will sustain me through the doubts and insecurities. In the big scheme of life, my mundane stuff seems insignificant to God, but to Him they are not.

Psalm 120:1:   
“In my distress I called to the LORD, and he answered me.”

Isaiah 40:31:
“But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”

And my hope for kids, parents, teachers, and others involved in raising kids have a blessed, peace-filled, and fruitful school year!! Wishing many “a-ha” moments and joyful hearts pursuing mindfulness, God’s wisdom, and gratefulness.

And how can I forget the most important factor?? Fun and happiness.

Have fun, laugh more than usual, be spunky, love your kids for who they are, and pat yourself on the back more often.

 “Success is walking from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.”Winston Churchill

We want a furry, cute pet!!

Kids want a pet: anything furry and cute. This topic is brought up on a daily basis and potential animal choices run the wild gamut: dog, cat, bearded dragon, baby otter, or a cub cheetah. Their latter choices baffle me. I’m like, what?! How do you cuddle a cheetah?

We’ve had various tiny pets over the years, like butterflies, ladybugs, frogs, fish and snails (still our pets), and now a horde of ants. Yesterday two plastic vials of ants were delivered to our mailbox.

Thankfully, they survived the journey this time. The first batch died from overheating in the mailbox.

So we’re excited to spend the next few weeks learning more about ant behavior, life cycle, and characteristics. They’ll be released outside after a month or so. Attachment is little and care minimal. So for a month, kids will be preoccupied and less prone to badger me for a furry pet. Oh yay!

But when I’m feeling energetic, I wonder how much fun it’d be to have a small Corgi. Their tailless tooshies and short legs are so cute. Chris is unlikely to say yes unless I surprise him by getting one. Lol. Nah, too big a commitment to decide myself.

Pinterest photo
2 hours later. Busy building tunnels. We added some water and a halved grape.

Couple hours later: building new paths. Peculiar behavior observed: ants carry a dead one to the top of the hill or drop them into a tunnel.
Almost 24 hours later. New workers have begun digging on the back side of the farm.


Newborn kitty getting fed at animal shelter. Kids wanted to see what kind of animals you would find at a shelter.
Our Silver Molly, named Shiny, resting on the Betta hammock.

Kids say funny things, Part 4. Plus, some contemplation

For homeschooling family like ours, it’s year round. One great thing about this schooling mode is its flexibility: one of its worst thing is its flexibility.

Unless you’re a very organized person who can manage your day with strict schedules, activities and lessons can blend into one big blob. Being that organized hurts my brain. There’s learning going on but getting evidence of it is not so straightforward.

So when the kids are having fun playing but two seconds later tell me they’re bored, I get nervous: I wonder if we are wasting time; maybe I’m not doing enough to make their learning broad, stimulating, and wholesome.

I brush off their “bored” comment with a telling them that nothing is boring and, as a matterof fact, it’s good to daydream; stare out the window and wonder why you’re bored. How can you fix this boredom?

I believe what I’m saying but the self-conscious mind goes beserk.

“I’m bored” is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless, it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say ‘I’m bored.”

– Louis C.K.

Maybe Ellis senses my reoccurring restlessness because she told me that her future plans as a mom doesn’t include homeschool.

Ellis: “Mommy, when I grow up I think I’m going to send my kids to school”

Me: “Why do you say that?”

Ellis: “So I can relax. Then you and me can relax together when the kids are in school. I don’t have to feel far away from you.”

She says random things like that and I wonder what ideas are going through that little mind of hers. But it’s nice to know I’m included in her future relaxation plan. My restlessness is probably palpable to her; I need to relax and believe that learning takes time and patience. It doesn’t happen all in a day. Trust God and let go of the burden.

Car wash assistants