sing like wildflowers
My full and kooky life as a homeschooling mommy to 2 great kids, raising a child with HLHS (Hypolastic Left Heart Syndrome), coping with depression, following Jesus, and being much too camera happy.
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Thank you everyone for your prayers, comments, and encouraging texts! They buoyed my spirits and made me feel heard and seen.
My mom’s surgery was successful. It was a two hour procedure and the anesthesiologist was full aware of her heart condition and pacemaker. During the surgery, the surgeon removed a 12 cm. mass from her pelvic area and from the looks of it, it didn’t look cancerous. A sample will still be sent to a pathologist for further testing. I can’t recall specifically what he said how a cancerous tumor looked, but all I know is that it wasn’t perilous to her health. Whew! Relieved.
I had a weird request that he take a picture of it and send it to me. I chuckled when I asked, because I didn’t want him to think I was a weirdo or anything. But he said that about 30% of patients and their families ask for photos. Ok, off the hook. I’m not that weird.
After the surgery, I was in a blissful mood! It was a long time waiting for this surgery. She started with symptoms in March and it progressed this much. In the beginning, i often wondered why it was postponed these many months, but her heart had to get fixed first. Her cardiologist said that she could’ve had a heart attack on the operating table if her clogged and calcified arteries were not addressed. All those nights of wondering what would happen and having to be the hearer of all my mom’s complaints, moans, and fears. She would have few days of relief when her voice would sound healthy and before I knew it, her voice would get weak and I’d pick up the phone to a paramedic telling me they were at my parent’s house and wanted a medical history.
I’ve had to dig inside myself and find strength to live my life without it outwardly affecting my family. God showed up in many ways and gave me many joyful moments. They were joyful and memorable yet I had to give myself permission to accept it.
God’s timing is impeccable. My mom was in the throes of getting super sick in early June and that’s when our summer started. And tomorrow our summer vacation ends and so did the waiting for my mom’s surgery. I’ll never forget this summer of medical emergencies and making it through the unknowns. Like two bookends to a wild and tempestuous summer.
Looking forward to what God has in store for us this semester. Love God for who He is and how He never fails those who trust in Him.
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Right before I published this post, I got a call from my mom’s doctor at the hospital with good news. Tomorrow at 2 p.m she will get surgery to remove her pelvic mass! We’ve all been frantically waiting for this procedure since June, which had to be postponed to initially address her heart issues.
Going back to my initial post below:
Again, my mom is back in the hospital since last Saturday. She had blood in her urine all day and by nightime she was feeling weak and vomiting. My dad called me at night panicking if he should call 911 for my mom Saturday night.
The problem has been with a large pelvic mass that is causing her recurring UTI infections. She’s been taking antibiotics so frequently that she has developed a tolerance to it. Only IV antibiotics seem to work. In the midst of all this in June and July, she had 2 angiograms to clear the calcified blockages in her right and left artery. She now has heart failure. I would’ve freaked out but I went through this with conversation with Ellis two years ago. Strangely, I was immune to the shock.
Being on call for my mom all week has taxed me physically, emotionally, and mentally. Her English isn’t fluent but she can still communicate and understand. However, when she’s panicked she seems to lose all ability to communicate and starts rambling. She called me at 2:30 a.m. wondering why they moved her to another room and that she was scared and cold. I woke up alarmed and panicked thinking she had lost her mind. It’s rare…almost never that she calls me in the middle of the night. Nurse reassured me that she was moved to the general patient room because her condition stabilized.
In the past couple of days, doctors have done multiple imaging scans and labs to determine the root cause of this. She has a 3×4″ cyst on her right pelvic area, which pushes down on her bladder.
On Wednesday, the internal doctor told me that they are waiting to consult with a gynecologist/ oncologist to determine if the cyst is just a fluid filled sac or a tumor (benign or malignant). After that phone call, my affect was flat for about an hour. I had no desire to talk or engage with anyone as I sat at the table processing the information.
The doctor told me that this was to rule out any chances of it being cancer. I heard the word “cancer” and just metaphorically dropped to the floor in my mind. Reassuring is that her blood test for tumor markers came back negative.
She’s still in the hospital awaiting next steps. Using a catheter is helping her to have less strain going to the restroom every 30 minutes and giving her extended time to comfortably sleep at night: something she was deprived of for months.
Funny thing is how I feel guilty for being well and taking my kids out for summer outings and going out. I feel torn. In one recess of my heart, I feel pain for my mom: in the other part, I want to have summer experiences with my family and friends before the school year starts. I am present in whatever I’m doing but you’ll hear me heaving a deep sigh here and there. The guilt of being happy weighs me down. I feel that I should be miserable to commiserate but that wouldn’t be beneficial to anyone except gratifying my self inflicted guilt upon myself.
I’ve been praying for discerninment and strength to hold this tension well. It’s a lesson in learning and growing. I don’t care for this refining process much, but God is doing something in me.
Out with friends on Saturday…3 hours later I’d have to go home to field all the hospital phone calls
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