sing like wildflowers

Right before I published this post, I got a call from my mom’s doctor at the hospital with good news. Tomorrow at 2 p.m she will get surgery to remove her pelvic mass! We’ve all been frantically waiting for this procedure since June, which had to be postponed to initially address her heart issues.

Going back to my initial post below:

Again, my mom is back in the hospital since last Saturday. She had blood in her urine all day and by nightime she was feeling weak and vomiting. My dad called me at night panicking if he should call 911 for my mom Saturday night.

The problem has been with a large pelvic mass that is causing her recurring UTI infections. She’s been taking antibiotics so frequently that she has developed a tolerance to it. Only IV antibiotics seem to work. In the midst of all this in June and July, she had 2 angiograms to clear the calcified blockages in her right and left artery. She now has heart failure. I would’ve freaked out but I went through this with conversation with Ellis two years ago. Strangely, I  was immune to the shock.

Being on call for my mom all week has taxed me physically, emotionally, and mentally. Her English isn’t fluent but she can still communicate and understand. However, when she’s panicked she seems to lose all ability to communicate and starts rambling. She called me at 2:30 a.m. wondering why they moved her to another room and that she was scared and cold. I woke up alarmed and panicked thinking she had lost her mind. It’s rare…almost never that she calls me in the middle of the night. Nurse reassured me that she was moved to the general patient room because her condition stabilized.

In the past couple of days, doctors have done multiple imaging scans and labs to determine the root cause of this. She has a 3×4″ cyst on her right pelvic area, which pushes down on her bladder.

On Wednesday, the internal doctor told me that they are waiting to consult with a gynecologist/ oncologist to determine if the cyst is just a fluid filled sac or a tumor (benign or malignant). After that phone call, my affect was flat for about an hour. I  had no desire to talk or engage with anyone as I sat at the table processing the information.

The doctor told me that this was to rule out any chances of it being cancer. I heard the word “cancer” and just metaphorically dropped to the floor in my mind. Reassuring is that her blood test for tumor markers came back negative.

She’s still in the hospital awaiting next steps. Using a catheter is helping her to have less strain going to the restroom every 30 minutes and giving her extended time to comfortably sleep at night: something she was deprived of for months.

Funny thing is how I feel guilty for being well and taking my kids out for summer outings and going out. I feel torn. In one recess of my heart, I feel pain for my mom: in the other part, I want to have summer experiences with my family and friends before the school year starts. I am present in whatever I’m doing but you’ll hear me heaving a deep sigh here and there. The guilt of being happy weighs me down. I feel that I should be miserable to commiserate but that wouldn’t be beneficial to anyone except gratifying my self inflicted guilt upon myself.

I’ve been praying for discerninment and strength to hold this tension well. It’s a lesson in learning and growing. I don’t care for this refining process much, but God is doing something in me.