Oh my gosh, I sound like a broken record again: that feeling of brokenness is slowly descending on me.
December makes me look back at the year and I feel proud of how we navigated difficult phases and still had joyful moments and good laughs together. Hardships became blessings in disguise and God’s omnipotent hand was obvious.
Shouldn’t I be content? Isn’t this supposed to be a happy, celebratory, and bright season?! But why has the past few Decembers cast this gloom over me? What is with this inexplicable sadness that plays tricks on me with its coming and goings?
I’m sure my kids wonder why mommy doesn’t feel like doing anything, skips meals, can’t sleep, gets tired too easily, sees my forced smiles (it’s draining), or why I seem unavailable. All the things I don’t want my kids and Chris to see about me is visible in unconscious ways.
I grew up in a family where various members struggled with depression and I hated seeing them suffer when life circumstances didn’t warrant it. My young mind told me that grownups couldn’t spare time and attention for me. This probably began the cycle of internalizing my problems and feeling that I had to spare them the burden of helping with my growing pains. I know, it goes way back and psychoanalyzing it would kill precious brain cells.
When I feel its onset, I instantly worry about how it may affect the wellbeing of my 3 favorite people: 2 kids and hubs. I want to spare them the negativity, not walk on eggshells, feel self blame and feel that I love them any less. Depression comes and I can’t explain or control it as much as I wish. The guilt is real and it’s puzzling how the emotions waver where I question my reality. Although professional help is helpful, I need to intentionally ask God to “turn this thing around.”
Whew, this life business is tough yet beautiful. I know I’ll get through this again. John Reddick’s song “God Turn It Around” gives me faith that God sees and knows me as I am.
Here’s a part of the inspirational song, but you can listen and see the official music video at this YouTube link.
He is healing someone
He is saving someone
God is doing something
He is moving mountains
Making a way for someone
God is doing something
I am grateful and know that I’m loved and blessed beyond what my mind imagined for myself; but unfortunately those feelings don’t mute depression. Self blame, self-interrogation, self-doubt kick in. In all honesty, I wonder if it my familiarity with it has become a comfort thing for me: Am I standing in the way of getting better?; Have I become too familiar with it that I unconsciously hold onto it?; and how would life be different without depression? It’s messy and complex process. But I know when the sadness waves rise up in me that God quiets my soul again and that I do not will this upon myself.
I post these depression posts every few months or so and I hesitate to publish them after it’s written. It feels vulnerable to show this much about myself. But life, in general for all humankind, is made up of good, bad, wonderful, and painful bits. The story of Esther continues as I pick up the pieces and grow stronger through these experiences. Maybe my story could encourage someone and reassure that they do not struggle alone.
Thank you everyone for reading this long post! I appreciate each and every one of my readers and wish you all a good and safe week as we wrap up 2021. Take care and God bless you. ~ Esther
Welcome to my blog! My name is Esther and I'm so happy you are here. I'm an avid nature photographer and a daydreaming thinker. My posts revolve around photos of nature's beauty, homeschooling adventures with my 2 kids, sporadic reflections on my child's heart condition, Bible reading reflections, gardening feats, and other mish mash things. Hopefully you'll leave encouraged, pensive, or smiling at the simple things of life. Thank you for stopping by and hope you'll find some interesting posts to read!