This afternoon we heard a new Christian song on the radio station called “Hold You Tight” by Dan Bremnes; the lyrics are beautiful, perfectly packaged in his poetic words.
Learned at the pre-op this week that surgery will take 6 hours. In the past, I spent those hours hanging around the waiting room with blank eyes, strolling around the hospital grounds, updating Chris via text, guzzling coffee, snacking, praying, worrying, etc. At her first and second surgery, both Chris and I waited together, miserable and exhausted. Anything he said, asked, commented, or asked, even something kind like, “can I get you something?” turned into reasons for turning on him and getting mad that he doesn’t know anything my sensitivity and is asking all the wrong questions. It’s better for my state of mind to update him via text and be reassured that Elliot is at home with daddy and that I don’t have to worry extra about him. The saying “divide and conquer” prevails on these occasions.
My eyes and ears stay glued to my phone: waiting for the text that I can come and see Ellis in the ICU. Those hours are soul churning, groaning in worry and fear yet trusting God’s perfect will that our normalcy will be restored. There’s nothing like that reunion when I can feel her soft cheek against mine and lightly brush her sweet forehead as she wakes up from anesthesia. Five years ago after her surgery, feeling still groggy from anesthesia in the ICU, she asked me to get her stroller so we could go home.
The sight of all the tubes, wires, bandages, iv lines, newly sewn stitches on her chest, beeping sounds, oxygen mask, breathing tube, machines lit up with numbers and syringes, and the sterile environment makes me feel like I got punched in the stomach and knees karate chopped.
I want to be the first person she sees, her greatest cheerleader and in the words of Anne of Green Gables, her “kindred spirit.”
Our hearts have been preparing for this surgery since November 2021 with our life revolving around getting Ellis to the surgery well and doing life like any other family albeit extra COVID precautions. Once it’s behind us, we’ll each have our own battle scars that’ll tell of God’s faithfulness and provision. Like the lyrics say, God will “light[ing] up the dark and turn [our] chaos into art” for his glory. Amen.
You walk, you run, you climb
And you fall again
You crawl, you fight, you break apart tonight
But I am the voice that keeps on calling out to you
Lighting up the dark
I turn chaos into art
So if you’re falling under
Of if you’re letting go
Don’t you worry tonight
I will hold you
Don’t you worry my child
I will stay by your side
In the middle of it
In the middle of it
I will hold you
Hold you tight
You hope, you dream, you chase, you bleed
A story in these scars are never gone
And you’re and found I’m here and now
And underneath these stars
I see just who you are
I hope you get a chance to listen to this song and be encouraged like I was. Thank you everyone for stopping by and reading my blog! Have a wonderful start to the weekend and stay well.
God bless and much peace to you, Esther
Categories: Christian songs/ faith
Welcome to my blog! My name is Esther and I'm so happy you are here. I'm an avid nature photographer and a daydreaming thinker. My posts revolve around photos of nature's beauty, homeschooling adventures with my 2 kids, sporadic reflections on my child's heart condition, Bible reading reflections, gardening feats, and other mish mash things. Hopefully you'll leave encouraged, pensive, or smiling at the simple things of life. Thank you for stopping by and hope you'll find some interesting posts to read!